i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
