I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
