i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
