i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
