hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
