We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
