I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
