the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
