What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
