Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
