Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
