if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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