she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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