My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize