There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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