I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
