I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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