Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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