So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
It was confusing and full of hummus
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
