How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
