Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
