does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
