He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
