if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
