I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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