apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize