I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
