he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
