i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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