if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
