I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
