My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
