What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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