I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
