well I can't set my house on fire every night
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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