like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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