Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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