i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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