Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
