tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
