I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
