I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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