dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
