I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
