dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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