i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
