i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
