This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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