is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize