i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
