All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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