I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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