you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
