my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
