I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
