you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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