Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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